Brainwash Be Gone — a podcast for women who’ve left a high-control, high-demand religion. In every episode, we deconstruct one specific rule you were taught so you can let go of harmful conditioning and live an amazing life on your own terms.

Today’s topic: “Always agree to go on a date when a man asks you out.”

We’re going to unpack how this rule groomed many of us to suppress our instincts and struggle to say no—something that can harm us in so many areas of life. We’ll also talk about practical ways to reconnect with our intuition and discover what we truly want.

Who else feels their stomach turn when they hear this rule? I can feel every uncomfortable date I went on when I didn’t want to be there but said yes anyway, trying to be polite or “give it a chance.” None of that was good for me—or for those men either.

So why are girls taught that as long as there’s nothing “wrong” with him, you should say yes? “Wrong” usually means he’s from another religion, has a tattoo, or dances too closely—things that don’t actually matter. We’re told maybe our first impression could be wrong and he might be “the one.” But honestly, when has that ever been true? Every time I tried to override my gut, I later realized I was right from the start.

Sometimes this is framed as a spiritual duty: be open to God’s plan. Refusing is seen as interfering with divine will. There’s also the idea that women who say no are too picky or prideful. But historically, women in these groups haven’t been too picky—they’ve been too forgiving, tolerating terrible behavior and continually praying for men to change. “Too picky” has never been the problem.

And what’s wrong with being single if you can’t find someone who meets your standards? Spending your time—and possibly your life—with someone is one of the biggest decisions you’ll ever make. It should only happen if it truly feels right.

The real motivation behind this rule is control. High-demand religions want women to pair off and have children to keep the group growing. It also conditions women to be submissive, to follow men’s authority. You start by saying yes to “just one date,” and before you know it, you’re married to someone you wouldn’t have chosen freely.

It also gives men a free pass—not having to develop emotional skills, kindness, or self-awareness—because women aren’t allowed to say no. And it disconnects women from their instincts about what’s good for them or what’s dangerous. How often have you heard yourself or someone else say, “He gives me a bad vibe, but I should be nice”?

That’s how we end up in risky situations. Our bodies often sense danger before our minds do. The book The Gift of Fear talks about this—how intuition protects us when we listen to it. Ignoring that gut feeling to “be nice” can be dangerous.

Trying to be fair or open-minded is great—but your dating life is not where you need to prove your fairness. Relationships are one of the most dangerous spaces for women to ignore intuition. It’s far better to say no and miss out on something harmless than to ignore your gut and get hurt.

This conditioning teaches us a potentially life-threatening level of agreeableness. Saying yes out of obligation reinforces the idea that our comfort and safety matter less than what others want. It erodes our self-trust. We stop listening to internal signals that something feels off—not just in dating, but in every area of life.

So how do we rebuild that connection with our intuition? It’s absolutely possible.

The first step is to pause before saying yes. Many of us are so used to agreeing automatically that we don’t even think about it. Find a way to gain time before committing—something like, “Let me check my calendar,” or “I’ll get back to you.” That pause gives you space to consider what you really want.

When you have that space, tune into how your body feels. Notice if you feel tension, heaviness, or fatigue when imagining saying yes. Notice how it feels to imagine saying no. Your body often knows the answer before your mind does.

If you feel numb or unsure, that’s okay too. Keep checking in—it gets easier over time. You can also visualize both options: imagine going on the date and how that feels, then imagine declining. Compare the sensations.

And if you’re still uncertain? Err on the side of no. If it’s not a clear yes, it’s a no. Your time and energy deserve to be spent on things that feel right and life-giving.

A few reflection questions:

• When have you ignored your intuition because you felt obligated to be nice?
• What were the consequences?
• If no one expected anything of you—no pressure, no judgment—how would you decide what to say yes to?

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Tags: Religious trauma, spiritual abuse, deconstruction, exmormon, exmo, exvangelical, recovering catholic, excatholic, former jehovah's witness, women's empowerment, feminism, leaving religion, self-worth, high demand religions, high control groups, high control religion, cult, cult recovery, brainwashed, high demand religion, spiritual trauma, church abuse.